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Ass Kicking No More

President Obama just finished his latest in a series of ongoing speeches about British Petroleum and gave his best stock market value investor analysis.  The President proclaimed that he is “absolutely confident BP will meet its obligations.”  This is in contrast to the President’s recent remarks about looking for whose “ass to kick” with regard to the oil spill.  Listening to the speech, and watching the reaction in BP’s stock (an aggressive rally for those yet to see) I couldn’t help but think that President Obama had a long, difficult talk with his British counterpart, Prime Minster David Cameron, that went something like this (please take note, this is a FAKE conversation that I imagined in my head):

Barrack Obama: Hey David, how’s it going?  Things are a bit rough here and I just wanted to let you know that I am going to be kicking some British Petroleum ass pretty soon.  I figure since you’re new to the job you deserve a little heads up.

David Cameron: Cheers mate, in all honesty this is a serious call and I want to get right to the point.  While things are clearly not great in the Gulf, I would prefer if you would refrain from arse kicking for the time being.  This is ver…

BO: …What do you mean Dave…can I call you Dave? or is it David.  What you have to realize is that the pressure on me in this country from these Teabaggers is immense.  I mean one dayI talk about using alternative energies so that we don’t need to take oil from dangerous place and they call me Communist and Socialist and Hitler and Stalin all in one, and the next day they’re blaming me for the spill as if it’s MY fault.  What am I to do other than kick some ass?  I gotta tell you Dave, welcome to the top of world politics, but get out while you can.

DC: Well Barack, it turns out that a lot of our country’s pension plans and wealthy people are HEAVILY invested in BP stock.  Many people in my country LIVE off of this dividend.  I implore you to take that into consideration when proceeding with your arse kicking.  Our country is completely and utterly broke in both the public and private sectors.  I mean seriously Barack.  We are broke.  If your people think your deficit is a problem, I don’t even want to imagine what they would be saying over here.  We too bailed out our banks, but our recovery is far from robust like you Americans.  Besides, it’s our banks that own the most toxic of your assets over there.  Were it not for our power to print money, we too would go Greek.  There cannot be a second Tea Party in which you Americans kick our arses back across the pond.  Please throw me a bone here.

BO: Dave, you have some points there.  This is a complex situation and we need to find some sort of middle ground.  We need to find a way in which I appear to be kicking some what’s that British word you use for it?  Arse? without actually kicking that arse.  We need to find a way through which BP the company will take some pain, but its shareholders will take no more.  We just need to find some common ground in order to build a consensus.  Let’s work together and speak strongly while letting others take care of the actual planning and execution of our actual plan.  Does that sound like a viable approach?

DC: Brilliant!  That is an outstanding idea Barack.  Let’s not worry about the details about how exactly this will work, let’s just ensure that we are neither tough nor soft, neither loud nor quiet, neither right nor wrong.  I look forward to an outstanding piece of rhetoric from you yet again.

BO: Thanks Dave, much appreciated.  I work hard on these speeches of mine.  It’s pretty demanding with all these crises one after the other to come up with original ways to say pretty much the same thing.  Anyway, it’s time for me to get my speech writing on and to step up to the podium and delivery.  We’ll continue this conversation later in the day after your high tea.

DC: Pip pip cheerio Barack.

BO: Speak soon Dave.

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  1. June 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    “let’s just ensure that we are neither tough nor soft, neither loud nor quiet, neither right nor wrong” — awesome

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