Going Where Those Chilly Winds Don’t Blow

I am neither a Cramer basher nor an admirer; however, yesterday during his intraday segment on CNBC he said something for the second time in recent months that really got my blood boiling. Since I cannot find the actual quote anywhere online, I will take the liberty of paraphrasing his point (it is along the lines of a point he made on Mad Money recently): “investors are wary to deploy their capital in the U.S. because they fear the government here and worry about wealth destruction. This is why investors prefer Asia, Latin America, Russia, and basically anything other than the United States.” In response, I offer the following “Faking News” piece for Cramericans:

A new survey of portfolio managers revealed a shocking new trend developing in the investment universe: portfolio managers prefer investing in countries with Communist dictatorships, military coups within the last five years, oligarchies who dominate wealth coupled with a former lieutenant colonel in the KGB pulling the strings, and a civic society which largely favors strong-handed rule to democracy than they would the world’s longest-standing and most free democracy. Investors cited concerns over “wealth destruction” as the primary catalyst for this shift in sentiment, as they believe only strong-handed rule, with high barriers to entry can adequately protect their hard earned wealth.

Following this alarming survey, President Obama declared that “Although I am not a socialist, after learning the results of this poll, I have decided to ask Congress to put together a bill that would pave the way for a movement towards totalitarian Communism.” Not to be outdone, the Republican National Committee hired Goldman Sachs as an outside consultant in order to explore the availability of former global military and intelligence leaders available at this time to orchestrate a military style coup in the United States in order to attract investments to the slumping domestic economy. A spokesman from Goldman revealed that this is a new line of business for Goldman Sachs and revealed that the opportunity in political orchestration came from a message that G-d left Lloyd Blankfein on his voice mail during the week of January 15th.

In response to these latest developments, stocks initially flew on the news that the United States would explore alternate forms of government. What started as a morning rally turned into an afternoon collapse, as investors expressed concerns over the ability of Democrats and Republicans to reach a consensus as to the most beneficial form of totalitarianism.